inputs and outlets.

In some social situations I just feel such an internal fight going on, between
being introvert and extrovert or if I feel accepted or just not.
It's almost ridiculous. I love to talk to people and then sometimes just
get overly conscious about if I'm actually listening and if I'm talking
too much or little or nonsense or whatever. Phew.
I love parties but I'm not sure if I do them too well.
It's funny coz I think that when I was younger I had such a good
confidence ...what happened?

Shouldn't be blogging anyway at this hour, it's 2.30 am.

I'm longing for life to the full today, I think I 've tasted snippets
but they just made me hungrier but I struggle with justifying things.

I'm thankful for these lovely ladies at are hosting me today,
I think their small community is a real hub and key for lot of things.
May we stay friends and love each other for ever.

Some alphabets in my mind at the moment:
I= Ibiza, Israel, Indonesia, illustrating
E= emails, England, errands, errors
H= happiness, Holland, housing, hosting
P= politics, photography, philosophy, paths

nordic nomad on narrow path...

I have been fascinated about light and colour lately.

Today I left work at 3.15 pm and sun had started to set already. At now it's quarter to six and pitch black already. In this north it seems that sun really takes it time to rise and to set. Which means that constantly colours and lightning seems to be changing and it's like watching unique art exhibition that changes daily.

I miss my friends today, they are all over the world. Literally.

I've lived in four different countries, 10 different cities and visited in 29 countries and left behind a trail of people whom I love and consider my friends and family.

I love birthdays and am already looking forward to having mine in 5 weeks. I already bought myself first present :D

I've celebrated my birthday only in 3 different countries, so it is also my birthday wish to have more international birthdays in future. Let's see what happens.

Now, i should plan what I teach today at classes, catch up with my correspondence (sorry everyone) and pack something to wear for the weekend...

x E

cheer up.

I'm feeling both very energetic and really tired today.

It's definitely day of transition today, not only I

travelled through 3 generations, 500 km, 4 cities

and lot of things old and new but also I am sensing

a call to step in a new era. What it shall be, i am not sure

at this point, but aren't most eras named afterwards anyway?

For long time I have thought that my creativity has been

somewhere very hidden, almost invisible like a child that has been

beaten up too often. Also it's been hard to get excited about things.

Or more, even if I have been creative or excited, it's been very

hard to put it in action. Almost impossible and all of it has required

a very "safe place" to come out. It's been a dry season.

I hope that the tide has turned, I miss being not only creative but

also "récipiendaire du temps", effective or achieving things.

Not because I should, not even because I could, but because it's the very essence of me.

Come Creator Spirit.

Some things that inspired me most lately:

* Tančící dům the Dancing house in Prague (architecture)

* String Monkey Media in the UK (web + new media design)

* Jon Bilbrough's latest release (music)

* 24-7 Prayer UK "Creative bank" (web design, prayer, prayer rooms, creativity)

* arrival of two long-waited babies for my bookshelf: The Artist's Way - A course

in Discovering and Recovering Your Creative Self by Julia Cameron

and Can You Hear Me?: Tuning in to the God Who Speaks by brad Jersak (books)

game over.

I really should not be writing about this in this hour, with lack of sleep and some paracetamol for migraine. But i'm off for a week and this one was last one fro my notes... Sorry if my trail of thoughts will be impossible to follow. Some things just are better out than in.

First book recommendation: Joshua Harris - I kissed dating goodbye.
I know lot of people don't really fancy it, or refuse to read it, but I really think that this guy has a point.
Yes I may be disappointed, I may be tired of the game, I may be desperate :) but ...Let me explain.

There are years in my life that I really hope I could re-live with knowledge and experience and self confidence I have now.
Years that I feel I wasted as I lived to please others and not for myself or to please God. (as He would need that,... ;)
Well anyway, one of the best advice my dad gave me, was to "be just friends with boys as long as possible". I wish
now I would have listened better, it would have kept me away from a lot of trouble. I have always got on well with boys, it has been both a great blessing and a curse. With girls it takes often more time to make friends with, I have to first to find a way to overcome my own insecurity and feeling of comparison.
I have some amazing girlfriends though, who are really my sisters, allies of one for all and all for one. But as I said I have got on well with boys and hung out with a lot of them. Kind of like snow white and seven dwarfs :) (not really) And at some earlish point I also discovered woman's ability to manipulate, emotionally blackmail and desire to rule over man. (editors note: that's all wrong, of the habit now :) )
No good. And also I somehow thought that man gives identity, and security, and comfort. (editor's note 2: that's all not right either, off the habit as well,...)

Well, now to spare you from long story, I jump to conclusions here that I have made from experience:
1) romantic love is not THE answer, sometimes, possibly an answer, but despite what hollywood says
2) this is not a GAME, relationships between boys and girls, it is so not a game so please, stop playing and counting score, be friends and play in the same team
3) dating is not really necessary, go and make friends, light casual and good intimate deep fun friendships, go out with people without romantic obligations or intentions (and make it clear to people you go out with), get to know people, develop your character, find out what you think about life and how you want to live it and finally one day marry someone who is your best friend as well.

You might disagree but then it's only that didn't explain it well enough :D

Have a great week, learn to love and respect each other! x

away from vanity fair.

Women are a mystery and half. We are meant to be.
It is the way we are created as God's image. To invite in to the adventure,
to fight for a cause, to explore and to engage.
It is not easy to be a woman, as it's hard to find out what is enough and what is too much.
What it is to be a godly woman. Don't want to give in for the pictures and demands of social, cultural, media's, etc. agenda for women. No thanks for cheap beauty, no thanks for cheap grace.
We are not for sale.

Woman is a picture of the great I AM. I think often woman is most beautiful when she knows who she is.
When I grow up I would love to be a godly woman.
To reflect the beautiful, wild, mysterious,
kind, loving, caring, fierce, lifegiving God.

awaken the dreams ancient Eden...

What a miserably gloomy grey rainy Saturday. The weather almost dragged my mood under the weather,
but then I went for a run in a forest and felt the oxygen and adrenaline kick me back above surface.
I also had a good chat with God (in my thoughts, didn't hear him audibly but more like voice in my thoughts and pictures to my mind's eye)...
I also came back from the Netherlands recently and while running I continued processing some thoughts born while journeying.
Now here, trying to connect the dots.

Finnish phrase goes that "the forest is a church for Finns". As much as I like the forest I never fully got that phrase. I guess church is more about relationships and more sharing life stuff for me nowadays and in the past boring religious obligation. (...to put it with slight exaggeration...) Well maybe I do find forest relaxing, full of beauty, place of quiet and full of treasures of nature. But today, I also realised that it is after all, as forest would remind us of something. A place of state of mind.
Does forest, wild, beauty of creation, awake in us distant memory of the garden of Eden? A place where God came to walk with his people in the coolness of the evening. Place that man was to take care and to rule. Mystery but familiarity in same landscape. Hiding place. Adventure.

In a similar way I think Holland made me sometimes feel that I am only a shadow of something I could or should be. It was interesting thought process to follow. It was both inviting and on the edge of self judgement and comparison. I think in the end the love and blessings around me turned it all to be more inviting and exciting. In a same way that creation waits that one day again, we will be what we where meant to be, and more.

Blessed are those...

Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
ps. 84:5

Three days and it's time to fly again.
Fly, not flee. Be still O my soul.